Sex (189 blagues)

I told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants because of the sexual side effects; she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter?”
Long story short I’m currently headed to Walgreens to refill my prescription.

• 🛋️ Psychiatrist

I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.

I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: “Ok, this isn’t working out.”

• 👫 Man and woman

I walked in on my sister masturbating with a carrot earlier today.
Fucking hell. Seriously?
I was going to eat that later today but now it will just taste like carrots.

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open
She said “it’s my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!”

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don’t get offers like that every day.

I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.

• 👫 Man and woman

I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in
She said, “You can’t do this to me!”

I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”

• 🔥 Cheating

I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.
“Really?” she said. “Go on then… Try.”

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

“Come on,” she demanded, “What day was I born on?”

“Yesterday?” I replied.

Jack and Jill have grown up. They’ve graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.
One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The problem is he hired them at the same time, and he doesn’t want to be biased or sexist, so he decides the first one of them to use the drinking fountain will get the ax.

While he’s considering what to say, Jill walks up with some aspirin to take a drink. Her boss, very sympathetically says, “Jill, I’ve either got to lay you or Jack off.”

Jill responds with a sigh, “Well, you’ll have to jack off, I’ve got a headache.”