je suis venu, j'ai cliqué,
Sex (184 blagues)
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Three guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex
They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.
Next day comes along and they meet to discuss.
Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.”
Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo in her ass at the same time and she was screaming for an hour!”
Guy #3 says “amateurs! I fucked my wife for 15 seconds, came on the curtains, and she’s still screaming at me!”
Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives
The 40-year old says: “When my wife and I were just married, we’d do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I’m lucky if we can average once a week”.
The 60-year old man responds: “Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active sex life”.
The 80-year old man laughs and shakes his head. “What a sad pair you two make. I’m an old fart and I bang my wife almost every day of the week”. The other two look at him in disbelief. “It’s true”, he says, “almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday,…”
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Three nuns die and go to Heaven…
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they’re quite easy.
“Who was the first woman?” He says to the first nun.
“Eve.” The gates swing open and she walks in.
“Where did Eve live?” He says to the second nun.
“The Garden of Eden.” The gates swing open once more.
“Now, seeing as you’re the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question, what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?” St. Peter says to the third nun.
“Oh, that’s a hard one…”
The gates swing open.
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Three porn stars were getting drunk, and they started bragging to each other about their exploits.
Porn star 1 said: “Girls, I’m easily the biggest whore in this bar. One time I fucked a soccer team. The whole team! Including the towel boy. And I did it by sneaking into the locker room, getting naked, and then just waiting for the game to end.”
Porn star 2 then said: “Pshhh! You’re a nerdy teenager compared to me. I fucked an entire fraternity when I was in college. Even the pledges. And I did it by just walking up, knocking on the front door, and asking who was ready for some fun.”
Porn star 1 was taken aback… but porn star 3 didn’t even blink. She just said “girls, compared to me, you two may as well be a couple of catholic nuns. Wasn’t long ago that I fucked every man, woman, and child in these here United States. And I did it by signing a non disclosure agreement during an election year.”
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Three women are talking about ways to initiate sex with their husbands.
One of them says “I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that’s it”
Next day they the second woman said “I had the best sex in my life yesterday, I used your way, I touched Adam’s dick and found it cold, and told him do you need a little heat down there? And then we started having sex”.
The following day the third woman started to cry.
“What happened” asked the first two.
She told them that she got divorced
“I tried to do the same thing with my husband but I found that his dick is warm so I said «Why isn’t your dick cold like John and Adam’s dick ?»”
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said “Fuck you”.
So I’m pretty excited for this year.
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Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.
She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.
TWITTER RECOMMENDATION ALGORITHM: would you like to see some porn your friends like?
FACEBOOK RECOMMENDATION ALGORITHM: this terrible thing happened a year ago!
AMAZON RECOMMENDATION ALGORITHM: buy five more TVs.
YOUTUBE RECOMMENDATION ALGORITHM: would you like to become a Nazi?
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.”
With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!” As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, “Yes! Yes! I won! I won!” She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll?” The other answers, “I don’t know, I thought you were watching.”
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says…
“You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blowjob?’ … and she’s always sound asleep.”
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