Man and woman (116 blagues)

I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

“Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character” I exclaimed,

“Fuck off” She shouted “I haven’t got dressed yet”

• 🧙‍♂️ Fantasy

I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she said, “No.”

I responded, “How about now?”

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it’s because she’s cute with big brown eyes…
But in reality it’s because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

• 🤷‍♀️ In-laws

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”
“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

• 🔥 Cheating
• 🏩 Prostitute
• 🍆 Sex

If I got $1 every time a woman said I wasn’t her type
I’d be her type.

• 💰 Money

If they’ll cheat for you, they’ll cheat on you.

If you’re thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

If your girlfriend asks if you would still love her if she was a worm, just say yes. she will never be a worm.
You will never actually have to deal with that. But you will have to deal with the girlfriend who thinks you wouldn’t love her if she was a worm and she is mad.

[I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “I’m leaving and I’m taking the kids”]

ME: unplugs fridge from power outlet you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.
I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.