Doctor (50 blagues)

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”
“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.

“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.”

“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”

• 🍆 Sex

Doctor handing me my new born baby: I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me handing baby back to him: Bring me the one my wife made

Doctor: Your girlfriend is pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can’t be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.
Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?
Guy: No I’m sure it didn’t.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella’s tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.
Guy: That can’t be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.

• 👫 Man and woman

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: “There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!”

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”

How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me…
Then plug me back in, see if that works.

• 🖥️ Technology

I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.

Isn’t it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?
It’s stupid. You don’t hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

• 👷 Engineer
• ☭ Social system

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions
Like, “who’s blood is this”, and “where did you get it?”

• ⚰️ Dark humor