je suis venu, j'ai cliqué,
Policeman (22 blagues)
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A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”
The cop says: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young man says “I’m 22, sir.”
The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”
A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.
Upon leaving the man’s apartment, the officer found the man’s bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case.
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A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try.
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office, as that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”
He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?”
The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”
“Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”
A policeman was interrogating three guys who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy…” the third guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
A prison guard went into work one day, and he was surprised to see one of his friends locked in a cell. He asked his friend what he was doing behind bars.
“Well, I was out doing my Christmas shopping one morning,” his friend explained, “and then the police handcuffed me and brought me here because they said I was getting it done too early.”
“Well, that doesn’t sound so bad,” said the guard. “I get my Christmas shopping done by the middle of November. How early did you do yours?”
His friend replied, “About three hours before the store opened.”
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At the parole hearing, the officer asked, “Tell me, why should you be released early?”
The inmate responded, “It’s bec…”
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
cop: have you been drinking
me: no
cop: can you blow into this
me: is… that soup?
cop: it’s too hot
Glue a tiny mirror over your drivers license photo so when you hand it to the police they will get confused and arrest themselves instead.
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