Animals (49 blagues)

I know a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

I’m so disappointed that a group of squid isn’t called a squad.

• 🇬🇧 English language

I now know that the thing I want MOST in the world is a parrot trained to say “OK Google”

• 🖥️ Technology
• 💭 Thoughts

I once saw a woman talking to her dog. It was obvious she actually thought the dog could understand her! When I got home I told my cat about it and we both laughed and laughed!

I saw a chameleon today so I guess it was a pretty shitty chameleon

• 💭 Thoughts

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas.
“You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

It’s easy to have the courage of a lion, they’re gigantic and have claws and no natural predators.

Instead, have the courage of the guinea pig, a two pound meat potato with zero offensive or defensive abilities, that will scream at an ape a hundred times its size if their lettuce it too wilty.

I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.
I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing, I scoffed and went to the pub.
The next evening I thought I’d give it another try so I went to its tank again and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ Still absolutely no response from the centipede, so I went on my way, cursing the pet shop owner.
The following evening I thought I would give it one more try, so I went over to its tank and asked ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’
The centipede replied ‘I heard you the first time I’m just putting my fucking shoes on’

• 🍺 Alcohol

My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

“No GMO foods for MY family,” she said as she walked her pet wolf who’d been bred to have four inch long legs and respiratory problems.

• 🍔 Food
• 🔬 Scientist