je suis venu, j'ai cliqué,
Family (74 blagues)
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The year is 2027 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.
A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,
‘So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?’
‘I don’t think so. It’s a 16 hour drive, your mother isn’t as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.’
‘Don’t worry about it Daddy, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.’
‘I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?’
‘Oh, Daddy’, replies the president-elect, ‘I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington .’
‘Honey,’ Dad complains, ‘you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.’
The President-to-be responds, ‘Don’t worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I’ll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.’
So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman from Alabama is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sit the new president’s Dad and Mom. Dad leans over to the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and whispers, ‘You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .’
The Justice whispers back, ‘Yes I do.’
Daddy says proudly, ‘Her brother played football for the University of Alabama’.
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Today my son asked, “Can you lend me a book mark?”
I immediately burst into tears.
Twelve years old and he doesn’t know my name is Brian.
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Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home.
I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.
- What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?
- I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.
“What does gay mean?” asked a son to his father.
“It means ‘happy,’” the father answered.
“Oh,” replied the son, “so are you gay, then?”
“No, son, I have a wife.”
When I was 12, I was signing a card for my grandma and I wrote:
You’re a great grandma
She lost her shit cause she thought I was telling her I was pregnant.
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When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa…
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”