je suis venu, j'ai cliqué,
Alcohol (26 blagues)
Voir aussi :
— I’m heading to the store. Do you want anything?
— I want a sense of meaning, and purpose in my life. I seek fulfillment and completeness to my soul. I want to connect to God and discover the spiritual side to me…
— Be specific, Black Label or Chivas?
- Is the glass half full or half empty?
- Don’t care, half’s not enough! Gimme the bottle!
I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.
So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn’t expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.
I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5‘2”, baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn’t believe my luck.
I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught Sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I’m open minded so I took her to dinner.
On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs.
“Oh heaven’s no, what would I tell my Sunday school children.”
I said okay, weed’s 50/50 some people do some people don’t. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, she said she didn’t drink.
I said “you don’t drink?!?”
“Oh heaven’s no, what would I tell my Sunday school children.”
Excellent food, sparkling conversation but I’m bummed out, I don’t know what to do with a girl like this.
So I’m driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask:
“wanna get a room and knock boots?”
She says: I thought you’d never ask!
I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children?
She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don’t have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!
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It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a thirty minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.
I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing, I scoffed and went to the pub.
The next evening I thought I’d give it another try so I went to its tank again and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ Still absolutely no response from the centipede, so I went on my way, cursing the pet shop owner.
The following evening I thought I would give it one more try, so I went over to its tank and asked ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’
The centipede replied ‘I heard you the first time I’m just putting my fucking shoes on’
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
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My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.
“No, I’m not,” I laughed.
She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
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One whisky, 2 whiskies, 3 whiskies, 4 wihskies, 5 wihkseis, 6 wiihkseis, 7 wiyikhsiess, 8 iwyiskeisih, 8, 9, 10 wȩəhîywhïsɠyiyksiŝƨȅyiesɰs…
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